I come across as facetious in my indifference towards my being unemployed and my continued stalled-education state. Admittedly, I have never felt the need to defend my being so, and any expectation for an explanation will only prove to be a futile effort.
I believe in the bigger picture; the world doesn’t move at my benefit or my expense or anyone else’s. That’s not to say my concerns carry greater weight than most others’.
My desire to see and explore the world is undeterred. With open eyes and an open mind, I strive to look at the world beyond the negativity and strife showcased in the news day after day as if framed to feed oil to the already ferocious fire of fear we are drowning in, outside the violence, the money woes, the otherwise superficial.
No, I have not given up the possibility of continuing my education. In fact, I am learning even now. I am adamant in my stance that a person need not be limited to the confines of an institution to earn an education and measure their intellect according to numbers and letters. Unfortunately a person’s worth is measured by a degree they’ve earned, the amount of money they can make based on that degree earned, the title they carry to their name, the materials they possess, the number of people and the kind of people they associate themselves with. A person’s worth is rarely ever measured anymore by their fervor in allowing themselves to mingle and experience our surroundings as they are and adapting to it. Should a person’s worth even be measured at all?
Does that make me delusional? An idealist? A realist? I have long since been regarded a cynic, and not baselessly. In trying to discover the “good” in society, I find myself disappointed - most of all in myself - that I can’t be bothered to express my intent, my hopes, and to instill my own beliefs onto others. I instead expend energy to roll my eyes at how conformably people go about their daily lives as if according to the saying “live to work, or work to live” and no longer being able to discern one from the other.
In that respect, who is really looking down on whom? Me on them, the societal robotic sheep? Them on me, a degree-less commentating (whining) voyeur? Who is in a more pitiful state of being and state of mind? Is it simply relative?
Perpetually grateful for the privileges I’ve been granted and exposed to, I intend to pay forward and return the favor with utmost ability but in my own time and my own way.
What I want to achieve, I can’t put into words. I wouldn’t know what to tell you if you were to ask me what my plans are for the coming months or years, but I want peace of mind. My peace of mind is solely mine, and not even a piece of my mind will appease as a sufficient explanation I am certain. Who do I want to give me a pat on the back? Do I even need and want a pat on the back? My fulfillment is completely irrelevant to any definition of fulfillment and not dependent on a set sense of satisfaction. I do not want to gauge my self-satisfaction on any criteria for a fulfilled life. I don’t want my “happiness” based on and measured up against anybody’s.
Who’s to say what gratification really is unless it stems from your own selfish endeavors.